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How Saddam Should Have Invaded Kuwait

created 2003-03-20 23:44:10

(Up to: War )

Originally sent to the Cypherpunks mailing list. Assumed to be public material, but will be removed if original author requests.


-------- Original Message --------
Subject: How Saddam Should Have Invaded Kuwait
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 10:16:59 -0800 (PST)
From: Eric Cordian
To: cypherpunks

One thing developing nations often don't realize, is that modern conflicts
are fought as much in the arena of public relations, as they are on the

This is why the Iraqi and Palestinian leadership are constantly hoodwinked
on the stage of international public opinion by the more accomplished
lying of their adversaries.

Therefore, as a public service to tyrants-in-training everywhere, I would
like to present the proper way for Saddam to have conquered Kuwait.

Several years prior to the time he planned to invade Kuwait, Saddam should
have gone on TV, and given a stirring speech to his nation in which he
claimed Kuwait was drilling diagonally into Iraq's oil fields from Kuwait,
and stealing Iraq's oil.  He should have looked directly into the camera,
declaring "THIS WILL NOT STAND!"  He should then have begun massing troops
on the Iraq/Kuwait border, as if an attack was iminent.

Saddam should then have waited a few weeks while the world worried about
war in the region, and finally, Saddam should have declared that although
he was skeptical that military action could be avoided, he was willing to
"give diplomacy a chance" at the United Nations.

Saddam should then have had his UN ambassador grudgingly participate in a
debate at the UN for several weeks, as the world frantically searched for
a non-military solution to the problem.  At the last moment, as war seemed
inevitable, he should have given in, and agreed to a negotiated solution,
as long as "UN Oil Inspectors" were permitted to make a brief survey of
Kuwait, lasting no longer than a few months, to verify it was free of
illegal diagonal drilling activities.

Saddam should then have smirked privately, as the nations of the world
congratulated themselves on how well the UN worked in solving problems
which prior to the UN, would have resulted in wars.

Through the Iraqi members of the UN Oil Inspectors, Saddam should then
have collected the GPS coordinates of every single bit of Government,
Miitary, and Industrial Infrastructure in Kuwait, and stashed it away for
future use.

As the inspectors approached the end of their mission, and the declaration
that Kuwait was free of "Implements of Diagonal Drilling" was iminent, he
should have instructed the inspection team to engage in more and more
provocative behavior, demanding access to government buildings having
nothing to do with oil drilling, and unannounced access to the Palaces of
the Kuwati ruling family.  He should have made sure that the inspection
teams were accompanied by cameras, to display daily for the world pictures
of inspectors patiently waiting after being denied access, and Kuwait
"Defying" the United Nations.

He should then have staged a provocation in which the inspectors suddenly
showed up at the security offices of the Kuwaiti royal family, and
demanded, in direct violation of previously agreed upon rules for
inspecting sensitive sites, to be allowed to immediately rummage through
all information relating to how the royal family was protected, their
movements, who guarded them, and all their security plans.  When this was
denied, Saddam should then have withdrawn the inspectors in a great
fanfare, and bombed lots of Kuwait's infrastructure using the previously
collected GPS coordinates.

When Kuwait declared that the inspection team had engaged in espionage,
and would never be allowed to return, Saddam should then have ridiculed
their claims as "propaganda."

Saddam should then have waited a while, and made a stirring speech at the
United Nations, in which he claimed that the organization's credibility
was at stake, for allowing Kuwait to defy it, and that Oil Drilling
Inspectors must be allowed to return to Kuwait.

If any former oil drilling inspectors threatened to expose the inspections
for what they were, Saddam should have arranged for them to be entrapped
in a child sex sting, and postphoned filing charges as long as they kept
their mouths shut.

Armed with new security council resolutions mandating even more
provocative and intrusive inspections, Saddam should then have kept the
process in the news constantly, keeping the public focused on Kuwait's
"defiance" and pointing out that it was not up to the inspectors to find
Kuwait's Implements of Diagonal Drilling, but up to Kuwait to prove they
didn't have them.  Saddam should also have alluded to intelligence he
claimed to possess which proved Kuwait had IODD.  In point of fact, such
intelligence would be comprised of fuzzy satellite photos with provocative
labels written in various places with magic marker, text plagiarized from
12 year old student papers, lies by well compensated Kuwaiti defectors
with an axe to grind, and forged documents.

After several months of calling everything the Kuwaitis did "deception",
and "trickery", Saddam should have announced that "inspections cannot
continue forever."  Saddam should then have asked the UN Security Council
to authorize military action against Kuwait, with an associated deadline,
or prove itself "irrelevant."

When the resolution authorizing force failed to materialize, Saddam should
have announced that diplomacy had reached an end, and that perhaps the UN
could be helped to rehabilitate itself, through a small role in post-war

Saddam should then have declared he was acting under his nation's
sovereign right to defend itself from the threat that an extremely pissed
off Kuwait might give weapons and assistance to "terrorists" to attack
Iraq, massed all his troops on the Iraq/Kuwait border, and given the
Kuwaiti royal family 48 hours to leave the country.

Then, after the Kuwaiti royal family declined to leave, Saddam could have
invaded with his entire army, installed a government sympathetic to Iraq,
and have begun the process of "nation-building."  All his costs would of
course be covered by selling Kuwait's oil.

Now I submit that if Saddam had played out the above soap opera and
contrived "crisis," he probably could have invaded Kuwait and stolen
everything they had, with only some minor grumbling on the part of the
world community, and with most people blaming Kuwait for causing the

Clearly, Saddam needs more Jewish advisors.

Eric Michael Cordian 0+
O:.T:.O:. Mathematical Munitions Division
"Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law"


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